My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
