wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
