Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
