i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
