how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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