I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
