he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
