u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I am one with the molecules
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
