Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
