Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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