Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
