Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
