Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
