I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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