Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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