He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
