I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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