she woke up with a sticky ear
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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