he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
