I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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