I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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