3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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