we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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