I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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