I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
