My cat gives me a boner
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We left an ass print on the piano.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
