Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
