WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
