he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
