just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
