Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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