Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
