Got a toothbrush?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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