Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
