My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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