I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
