honey bunches of taint.
he was CRYING into my vagina
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
