I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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