Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
