He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
