Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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