Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
