What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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