I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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