Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
