So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize