Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Actions speak louder than pants.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
