I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
