I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
