It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
