I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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