It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
