So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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