Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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