can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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