Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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