apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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