Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
