There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I could fuck to npr.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
