Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
