there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
