I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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