It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Oh god it's open bar.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
